Shallow Legolas
by BlackNumenorean
Summary: The story of how Legolas, after years of one night stands and self absorbtion, is taught to see what's on the inside the hard way. Will what he learned stick with him, or will he go back to his old ways?
1. Last Night In Rivendell

**Chapter 1- Last Night in Rivendell**

It was midnight when Legolas and Arasel tiptoed up the spiral staircases to Legolas' room. Alright, so he'd promised Lord Elrond he wouldn't have any girls over this time- but what else was an ellon in his place to do? She was beautiful, and she was obviously infatuated with him…

_"Well, who isn't?"_ he thought as they reached the door to his room. He unlocked it as she covered her mouth with a hand to hide her giggles. And once inside, things went the same way they had with the girls he'd had over the previous four nights; and that's pretty much self-explanitory.

--:--

The next morning, Legolas woke up to find himself lying alone and naked in his bed. He opened eyes to see the empty pillow next to him had a note laying on it, written in a flourished hand.

"_Thanks for the great time, Legolas!_

_I had to leave so I could do kitchen duty-_

_Hopefully I'll see you again before you leave!_

_-Arasel"_

Legolas sighed and snickered to himself. See him again? Not if he had anything to do with it. He didn't believe in getting attached to his 'dates'. He stood groggily and dressed himself, made sure he looked alive and healthy, and left his room with the note tucked in his pocket.

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Once downstairs, Legolas wandered to a back garden to look for his friends. They normally met him there, but today would be slightly different.

"Hello!" Legolas shouted in annoyance, hoping to get a response from his friends. Instead, a hand poked out of a nearby bush, plucking the note from Arasel out of his pocket. "HEY!" he shouted in panic.

"Thanks for the great time, Legolas!" an off-pitch male voice called from the bush, followed by laughter.

"Huh?" a younger voice questioned from a nearby bush.

"Nothing you need worry about, Estel." Elladan said, climbing out of the bush and brushing off his robes. Elrohir followed him, clutching the note in his hand. Legolas snatched the note out of the amused elf's hand.

"Do you want to get me killed?" he asked, stuffing the note into his shirt instead.

"Why would you get killed for having fun?" asked a young Estel as he struggled to make his way out of his bush. Bemused looks flitted across the twins faces at this question.

"Yeah, Legolas, why would you get killed for having fun?" Elrohir asked mockingly, as Estel came crashing to the ground from his bush.

"Shut it, you two. There are young ears around." Legolas said, trying to change the subject.

"Hey! I'm a whole ten years old!" Estel shouted defensively, and he folded his arms in an attempt to look angry. Legolas and the twins both laughed at him.

"You know who else is about your age?" Elladan asked him.

"Who?" Estel asked excitedly.

"That little girl over there." Elladan answered, pointing to the far end of the garden where a young Arwen sat weaving flowers.

"But she's a girl!" Estel cried out.

"But she's a nice girl! And she's not that icky… just go over and talk to her." Elladan replied, giving Estel a small shove.

"Fine. But if she says mean things to me, I'm not going to be nice!" Estel shouted back to them as he made his way slowly to the other end of the garden.

"Problem solved." Elladan said, looking back to Legolas. "So, breaking your promise, are you?"

"Well, no one has to know, so keep your big mouths shut!" Legolas said to them.

"Oh, no need to worry about that." Elrohir said. "Because if you get caught, we get caught. And that's not good."

"What do you mean _we_?" Elladan asked, raising an eyebrow at his twin. "I actually listen to Ada." He said.

The peace of their conversation was soon interrupted by a shrill voice calling out at the other end of the garden.

"ELLADAN! ELROHIR! HE BROKE MY FLOWER BRACELET!" Arwen cried.

"Alright… time to referee." Elrohir sighed, and headed down to the source of the crying.

"Be careful, Legolas. You never know when all your sneaking around will come back to you." Elladan warned, then followed his brother.

"_Yeah, whatever…"_ Legolas thought to himself, heading out of the garden to get away from the screaming. He made his way down a hallway, thinking about what Elladan said. Had he meant he was going to tell on him? His thoughts were soon interrupted by a hand grabbing his arm and pulling him off to the side.

--:--

"What the!" Legolas cried out when he saw the figure before him. Holding onto his right arm was an ellon who looked to be older than him, but he was dressed in a strange pink fluffy outfit. It had ruffles all about his waist and fell to about his knees, and the top half glittered. Clutched in his free hand was a silver stick with a small sparkly pink heart on the end. "Who on earth…" Legolas began.

"No. No questions. Just listen." The pink-clad man answered. Legolas looked the man up and down in confusion. In his dark hair was a strange sort of headdress with pink beads, and below his ruffled skirt his legs stuck out like twigs, with bare feet at the end.

"But… why…. who…? What are you!" Legolas cried, his eyes wide and filled with confusion and fear.

"Listen!" the man in pink said, and Legolas shut his mouth. "Good. Now, I've been watching you…" he started, and Legolas' eyes grew even wider. "No, not like that. I mean I see what you do." He started again, and Legolas' still stared at him in fear. "Alright, alright! I'm your fairy godmother!" he exclaimed. Legolas' jaw dropped.

"My WHAT!" he shouted.

"Your fairy godmother!" the man replied. "I'm your… guardian, of sorts." Legolas closed his mouth and raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"But you're not a woman…" he started.

"Yes! I know! I can't do anything about that! But the point is… if I see you making a major mistake in your life, I'm supposed to do something about it! And so, I'm doing something about it," The man answered. Before Legolas could respond, he found himself being struck on the head by a heavy object.

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That's it for part one! Please tell me what you think- I like opinions!

And now, for a little shoutout:

Thanks to my buddy, Manwathiel, for the hours-long phone conversations that spawned this madness, and for putting up with my constant questions.

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And now, an off-topic mini poll!

(Just because I can)

_If elves were cheese, what kind of cheese do you think they would be?_

_Cheddar_

_Gouda_

_Mozzerella_

_Monterey Jack_

You don't have to answer it- but why not? D


	2. Forcefully Ejected

Note: So much for suspense, lol. I just figured I'd put some up that way people would have something to read. And then I'll disappear for several months, causing anyone who actually reads this to rip every hair out of their head in sheer frustration. XD Juuuust kidding…

**Chapter 2: Forcefully Ejected**

A few hours later, Legolas woke up in a garden off to the side of the path he'd been on earlier. His head was throbbing and he was very confused. Who was that strange man in pink? And what was he talking about, 'major mistake'? Legolas stood slowly, rubbing the bump on his head. He then made his way slowly back down the hallway. As he started down the hallway, a woman passed him.

"OH MY GOD!" he shouted, taken aback by the woman's hideous face. It appeared that her grayed hair was falling out in large chunks, and her eyes were surrounded by a hideous substance. She smiled at him, revealing empty gums and causing her lips to crack.. Legolas stood there for a few moments to get his wits about him, and then continued at an even faster pace.

_"I can't believe Lord Elrond let something that ugly into Rivendell!"_ Legolas thought in disgust. He turned a corner and ran straight into another woman. She, however, looked much better than the one he had seen before. He froze in his tracks, staring at her.

"I'm so sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going. I'll just go now…" she stuttered, and went to walk around him. He grabbed her arm and she stopped, looking terrified.

"What's your name?" he asked, looking her up and down. She had vibrant blue eyes and her hair was red like copper. Her eyes grew wide with fear when he asked her this, and even wider when she realized he was staring at her chest. She yanked her arm away and took off down the hallway, happy to get away from him.

Legolas stood still in shock. No woman had ever reacted like that to him before! This day was getting stranger and stranger… He shook his head and continued walking, until he realized he had no idea where he was going, and then he returned to his room to clear his mind.

--:--

Several hours later, Legolas woke up with a start. Someone was knocking on his door…

"Just a minute!" he called. He sat up and shook his head around. He looked at his reflection in the mirror to make sure his hair was straight, then went over and opened the doors.

"It's about time." Elrond said to him, looking quite unhappy.

"What?" Legolas asked in confusion, until he realized who was with Elrond. It was-

"You!" Legolas cried out, pointing to the other man. "You're the one that knocked me out earlier!" The man's eyes grew wide with shock.

"What are you talking about!" he questioned.

"I know it was you! But… you were wearing some strange pink frilly thing!" Legolas shouted in defense.

"Legolas, what you're saying is absurd! Now, get back inside and me and you will have a talk…" Elrond started, but Legolas persisted.

"No! He knocked me out earlier! He said he was my fairy godmother! I know it was him!" Legolas shouted desperately. Elrond rolled his eyes, and in an attempt to shut Legolas up, shoved him back into his room and followed him in, shutting his friend out.

"What is the meaning of this!" Elrond asked Legolas angrily.

"He knocked me out earlier! He even left a bump on my…" Legolas stopped when he felt his head and realized that the bump that had been there before was now gone.

"You were saying?" Elrond questioned impatiently.

"I don't… know…" Legolas said slowly, feeling around his head for the bump that had been there earlier.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, but you seem to be getting yourself into a lot of trouble today, Legolas." Elrond started, and Legolas looked at him questioningly.

"What do you mean?"

"I am referring not only to you accusing Erestor of dressing in pink frills and knocking you out…"

"He did!" Legolas cried out, but was silenced by a stern look from Elrond.

"I am also referring to your broken promise. You told me when you first arrived that under no circumstances would you have any women in your quarters, and you have. Five, to be exact?" he responded.

"Well…"

"Well nothing. You are leaving. You have an hour to get your things together, and then you are leaving. No questions asked. I will not have these things going on in my house, understood?" Legolas simply lowered his face and nodded. "I wonder what your father would have to say about this…" Elrond finished, and left the room.

Legolas said nothing, but instead waited until he heard Elrond walk a safe distance away, and then blew a raspberry at the door.

"_Miserable old git..." _Legolas thought to himself. _"He's just jealous because he can't get a girl." _He scoffed to himself and stood.

"_Guess I'd better get packing..." _


	3. Georgetta

Alright, so that wasn't a miserably long time to wait… but hey! My story has a new home! And now, I shall continue…

**Chapter 3: Georgetta**

The sun was setting on the third day of Legolas' trip back home. Sighing, he threw his bag on the ground, and then soon threw himself down beside it. Travelling was bad enough when you had a horse and other people with you, but Legolas was completely alone. He'd managed to make it about a mile from Rivendell, and that was an accomplishment for him, considering he was still sparkly clean and had not a spot of dirt upon his skin.

"What did I do to deserve this?" he whined to himself.

"You broke your promise to Elrond." A voice answered casually.

"Who's there!" Legolas exclaimed, jumping up from his place and grabbing the first thing he could find- a muddy stick. He soon dropped it, simply because it was muddy.

"You have got to be the most pathetic excuse for an elf I've ever seen…" the voice replied. Legolas turned around.

"YOU!" he shouted at the pink-clad elf. "Why are you following meeee!" he cried out, desperately trying to wipe the mud off on his pants. The man simply shook his head.

"Because you need my guidance." He answered calmly. Legolas stopped his attempts to rid himself of mud and looked up at the man incredulously.

"I need guidance! You're wearing pink frills and you say _I need guidance_!" he put his hands on his hips and smirked, raising an eyebrow. The Fairy Godmother simply sighed and shook his head.

"It's a uniform, I'm required…" he realized what he was saying and stopped himself. "Look, either I can help you, or you can be an idiot and keep walking to Mirkwood. And at the rate you're going, that will take several years."

"Help me how?" Legolas questioned cautiously.

"I'll give you a horse."

Legolas looked around. He saw no horse.

"You're lying. You have no horse to give me." Legolas concluded. The Fairy Godmother sighed. He pulled his wand out from his belt.

"Stand back." He warned. Legolas moved cautiously backward, careful not to step on the muddy stick- he'd already gotten his pants and hands dirty- he didn't need boots to match.

"Now, what's that spell again?" the Fairy Godmother asked himelf. "Ah yes…" he cleared his throat, and exclaimed "Starlight glitter showers!" while pointing to the empty space in front of Legolas.

"EEK!" Legolas cried out and jumped behind a rock. Standing in the once open space before him was a horse. Well, sort of. It had flourescent purple fur and a sickeningly pink mane, with eyes that quite literally looked like glowing sapphires. A strange silver sparkle seemed to be floating around the horse.

"What the…" Legolas peeked over the rock and stared at it in shock. "Awwww! She's so beautiful!" Legolas squealed, scampering from his hiding place over to pet the new arrival.

"Be careful!" the Fairy Godmother warned, but it was too late. As soon as Legolas reached the horse, it lifted its leg and kicked him.

"HEY!" Legolas whined, looking at the horse. "What was that for!"

"You need to make sure she approves of you first." The Fairy Godmother answered calmly, as if it were common sense. Legolas stared at him, dumbfounded.

"And how to do I do that?"

"Well, first you must write her a heartfelt poem expressing your deep love for her, and then…"

--:--

After about an hour had passed, Legolas had finally gained the approval of the horse, whose name turned out to be Georgetta. He had written the heartfelt poem expressing his deep love for her, he had scrubbed her hooves with a toothbrush, he had complimented every feature about her, and to top it all off- he had participated in a ceremony which required him to swear servitude to her until she grew tired of him.

"Now you have Georgetta, is there anything else you need?" the Fairy Godmother asked Legolas, who was now happily braiding Georgetta's mane.

"Well…" Legolas looked himself over and realized he was still covered in mud. "Could I have new clothes?"

"Sure. Now… what's that spell…" the Fairy Godmother thought for a moment. "Oh! Fresh Pink Daffodils!" he shouted, pointing his wand at Legolas.

A moment later, Legolas found himself wearing a striking baby blue and white three-piece suit made of silk. He even had shoes to match.

"Oh! It's beautiful!" Legolas found himself liking this Fairy Godmother more and more… "But how will I keep it clean!"

The Fairy Godmother smiled, with a twinkle in his eye. Legolas would have been afraid of this, but for some reason he wasn't.

"They are magical clothing- they won't get dirty!" the Fairy Godmother replied matter-of-factly. Legolas' eyes brightened like a small child's on Christmas morning.

"Thank you so much, Fairy Godmother!" he exclaimed, running at the fairy with his arms outstretched.

"No! No! Don't-" the fairy began, but it was too late.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Legolas had hugged the fairy, but not for long. After about a second of contact, he found his skin burning like he had just been dropped into a vat of boiling water.

"I tried to warn you!" the fairy exclaimed, watching Legolas writhe in pain on the ground. "If you touch me, you'll get burned!"

"WHY!" Legolas shouted. He was now smacking himself in desperation, trying to put out the little flames that had sprouted on his clothing. A moment later, Georgetta sneezed on him and put out all the flames; but also covering him in snot.

"I thought you said these clothes couldn't get dirty!" a slighly relieved Legolas cried out, seeing the horse snot on him. Then a moment later he realized that his clothes were clean again. "What the…"

"I told you, they're magical- they'll take some getting used to. Now, it is time for me to go. I will return in three days and check up on you and Georgetta. Farewell, my child!" the fairy exclaimed, and he waved his wand and disappeared in a puff of silver glitter.

--:--

Legolas stood rooted in his place. What had just happened? The previous five minutes events all seemed like a blur to him. Things were getting stranger and stranger for the elf prince. He sighed and looked over to Georgetta.

"Well, I guess you're mine now…"

"HA! As IF! You belong to me, servant! Now, get me some water and freshly cut grass! I demand nourishment!" a female voice exclaimed inside his head. His eyes widened, and he looked to the horse.

"You… you can…" he stuttered

"NOW!" the voice shouted.

Legolas jumped back, and then he sighed and made his way off to find water and grass. This was going to be a lovely trip…

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And, so ends Chapter 3! I know, I know, it may not make much sense so far, but I promise it will all add up later!


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